The "Corporate" Professional

Ever since I joined the software industry (around eight months ago) the only word that I keep hearing from each and every person in the office is the word 'Corporate'. Now, the Oxford dictionary describes Corporate as - of a business corporation, of or shared by all members of a group. Now trust me when I say that when this word is used in the office, it holds no relevance to its actual meaning! Your work is never shared by the group or its members, you are never informed about whats happening around you cause you are considered incompetent when actually the poeple who think so aren't much different either. So what does Corporate mean in the "Real" world of business? Hmmm, well as far as I see it, it just describes a group of people who are extermely jealous, impatient, greedy and last but not the least, obese!

Now, I call them jealous because they can never stand the fact that someone else is doing better than them. And they will never admit someone else is right (unless of course it happens to be their boss or superior).

I call them imapatient because they can never wait for their turn. In a crowded place (for example, in a line to get movie tickets) , a "Corporate" professional will do either of the two things: 1) He will cut you off and stand in front of you. This is a very strategic move if it is implemented when no one else is watching because if that happens, you cant shout at him as you wouldn't have any evidence or witnesses to prove your point. And if you try to prove your claim with no evidence, then people will just call you a trouble maker.
2) He will hold his ground and stand behind in the line and keep shouting expletives (with an amazingly fake American accent) which he would have heard in movies or from his boss. In most cases he would have learned it from the latter (when he/she was shouting at him). But nonetheless, he will keep shouting and try to make himself heard.

I call them greedy (which is pretty obvious) because I know they would do practically anything for money or a raise. On second thought, I've seen them do practically anything for money or a raise! :)

And finally, I call them obese because they are a bunch of lazy people who spend the entire day either on the chair, or on the bean bag and in the most dire situations, on the floor. I would like to point out that in all the three cases, they will be sleeping ( atleast 95% of the time). And hence they are fat and huge (if they are looking for a replacement for Hagrid for the next harry potter flick, then I think I may know a few people who can help).

A day in the life of a "Corporate" professional involves a little bit of travelling (from his den to his office), a bit of work ( which has been unattended to for ages) and lots of eating (esp. Junk food). Sometimes I wonder how the firm makes a profit when a majority (I never said all) of its employees fall under the above mentioned category. It has always puzzled me. Someone (don't ask me who cause I frankly don't remember) once told me that " in a software firm 20%of the work is done by 80% of the people and 80% of the work is done by 20% of the people". I guess this so called law or hypothesis is true and hence I avoid asking further questions or searching for answers.

Another thing I've noticed is that the word "corporate" is a Super set and most of the words that I hear in conversations are a sub set of this word. For example, words like Corporate Responsibility, Corporate behavior, Corporate security, Corporate Strategy so on and so forth. The list doesnt end there. Its just that I cant recall all the words that I've heard in last 8 months.

As far as I see it, this whole Corporate propaganda is just another farcical term to make us feel good about what we are doing when actually we aren't doing a single thing that is worth mentioning. I guess I'll have to do more research on this topic to actually figure out if it holds any particular relevance to its actual meaning.




A note to all readers:

I know you would have noticed that in my examples I have used a male as the protagonist and not a female. This does not mean that I am a male chauvinist. It just means that I was able to observe only this particular group in each corresponding situation.

And to those few who fall under the category of 'hard working' professionals, then you may consider yourselves exempted from the group of people I have mentioned above.

Thank you.