The Master of Disaster (in the kitchen)

When I look back at all the things I have/had in life, I realize that God has given me practically all that I have ever wished for and I am extremely grateful for it! But one thing he didn't give me is a sense of what to put in a frying pan. I am a walking time bomb in the kitchen. I have no clue of what I am supposed to do once I step foot into the kitchen. Each time I step into the kitchen, it feels like I am on another planet. Everything seems so strange and new. And unfortunately for me, I have to be away from home for another 3 years at the least and I have to live on whatever it is that I end up cooking in the kitchen. But God did show a little sympathy and he gave me a couple of room mates who know how to cook so I am sure I will survive for a few more months to come. But then again there comes a time in every man's life when there is a need to be independent and in my case it happened when my roommates headed out of town for the weekend. And so I decided to take the plunge.

I moved through the kitchen with the nimbleness of a Jaguar. I opened all the cupboards and shelves to check whatever was in them. Then I picked up a couple of vegetables from the refrigerator and dumped them all into a frying pan filled with oil. I switched on the stove and watched the vegetables sizzle in the oil pan. It was around this time that my hunger pangs struck again and I had to get something to eat, a light snack if you may call it. So I looked around for something to eat and by the time I found it, and started munching on it, the smoke from the pan activated the smoke alarm. I spent the next ten minutes trying to shut the damn thing down! So there I was sitting in a kitchen which was a total mess, the vegetables lay there on the pan fried and burned beyond recognition. That was when I realized that an overly cooked potato can be used to stone someone to death!

And just when I had given up hope of cooking something at home, I came across a beautiful creation - 2 Minute Noodles! The instructions were simple. The whole process seemed simple. And I finally didn't have to starve that weekend.

But now there is a program coming up in a couple of days where a lot of friends are planning a get together and the 'fun' part is that each one of us has to cook something and take it over for the party. I have tried warning them but nobody listens to me. Instead they say that I am just plain lazy! So here I am standing in front of the same frying pan with the same vegetables singing one of Jim Morrison's greatest hits:

This is the end my beautiful friend,

The end of laughter and sweet lies,

The end of nights we tried to die,

This is the end my beautiful friend.

And I am hoping against hope that all of those people get out of that party alive and on their own two feet!

God be with us!

Snow Patrol - How to be Dead

I am a big fan of the band Snow Patrol! I love their lyrics especially those of songs like Signal Fire, Run, Chasing Cars & Open your eyes. But their lyrics for the song 'How to be Dead' is my favorite! Its all about an argument between two people and the lyrics are a frank interpretation of what each person is feeling/saying. Its so true and yet pretty amusing all at the same time! Reminds me of the songs that Bob Dylan used to write. Anyway, enjoy the song:

Crazy Eperiences - I

In my constant endeavor to beat the heat in the desert, I had planned to get myself a nice pair of sunglasses. Now when I say 'nice sunglasses' I mean the Ray - Ban Aviator Sunglasses! Now any guy who has watched the movie Top Gun would love to own an Aviator. They are a classic piece of work!

And so with high spirits, a cashed up wallet and a spring in my step, I checked out a couple of stores but nothing prepared me for what happened next.

I got into a store and the salesperson and I greeted each other! This is was how the conversation went:

SP: How may I help you?

Me: I would like to check out a couple of Ray - Ban Sunglasses. (All Smiles)

SP: Yeah, we have a couple of models here. Which one are you looking for?

Me: Well, I want the Aviator model. Would you happen have that?

SP: You want that for this face?

(Ok, now I am not saying she was a racist but I had no clue what that meant. That spring in my step faded instantly! So back to my conversation,)

Me: What is that supposed to mean?

(after a little hesitation she answered)

SP: I meant your face is a little small.

Me (talking in my head) : What the #$%!!!#$%@#!#@#%$$@#$#@!@#!@#@#$#@$!#!@!!!!!!
I wish someone had taken a photograph of my face at that moment cause I've been trying to figure out what it must have looked like. But I am sure I would've been able to give Jim Carrey a run for his money! So around now it it was pretty evident that I wasn't gonna purchase the sunglass from the store and leaving with whatever dignity I had left seemed like the best option!


Me: Thanks for your time! I'll come back in another year or two!



Now I think i know why people prefer to get most of this stuff online! Its cheaper and it doesn't sting! (phew!)

In The Valley of The Sun

Its been almost a month since I arrived in Arizona and this is what I have to say to people who are planning to come here:

CAUTION:

Extremely Hot Weather! EXTREMELY HOT!!!!!

I remember the moment when I got off the plane, I was walking towards the entry gate and the more I moved away from the plane the hotter it kept getting. Having spent half my life in hot places like Riyadh and Chennai I thought I was cut out for this. But boy oh boy was I wrong! By the time I got out of the airport it was around 8 o clock and I felt those hot winds blow right at me and they made me feel as though I was getting incinerated alive! On the plane I made friends with a US Citizen who was actually from Iran and who had a taste for Indian Music and Culture. So we kept discusses the various "arts" and finally we ended up talking about Metallica and Kula Shaker and GW and stand up comedy. Needless to say I was had a very animated chat with my fellow passenger. He told me that he had been living in Arizona for like 20 years and that there was not much to look forward to. So anyway, as the plane started to descend, I managed to get a sneak peek out of the window and the only thing I saw was red barren land, red bare mountains, a couple of buildings and last but not the least - Cactus es! And this was when my fellow passenger looked at me with the sympathetic expression that one would give a dog that lost its leg and said: "Welcome to your new home. I hope you've brought a lot of sunscreen with you!!!". Obviously this is wasn't the kind of welcome I was looking forward to.

It took me a couple of weeks to get used to the heat but I never leave the house without praying that I don't get a heat stroke. I always knew that people here wore sunscreen. What I didn't know was that they didn't wear clothes. This is the defense mechanism that is employed to beat the heat. Bare it all and walk with pride. Now that is something I have to get used to seeing!

And how could I ever leave out our very own people: INDIANS! This place is filled with 'em ! They're everywhere - in the gas station, in the Swimming pools, behind the Cactus es! You name it and you'll see 'em there!! ;)

And if you're planning to come to AZ then here is your checklist:

1)Sunscreen
2)Water
3)Sunglasses
4)Cap
5)Clothes (optional)


Enjoy!

The Ballad of No one:

It's been so long since I heard your voice,

That sweet tone that never fails to enchant me,

Your words seem so humble yet so strong,

Like the sight of a thousand doves that have been set free.



When I walk alone I see your ghost standing beside me,

The nights are long and the air is so cold,

Hunger and sleep evade me.



My life once colorful seems so gray,

That beautiful rainbow has been swept away.

The grass seems neither green nor brown,

And my heart fears silence in which it will eventually drown.



The winds blow lightly as I sit by the sea,

Carrying your whispers into the night,

And in the silence, my heart weeps,

As time slips away and out of sight.



I watch young lovers sit together in arms,

As they graze the meadows of life,

I feel neither anger nor envy,

As I ponder over my plight.



Each breath I take, hurts my soul,

The shadow of loneliness clings on,

And in this darkness I seem to crawl,

Towards the one that was once my own.

You look different!!!

I've lost count of the number of times I've heard that line from people and not for once have I been able to decode what the hell they mean by it. It doesn't make sense ! Imagine you're walking down the street and all of a sudden one of your friends pops out of nowhere (which some people have a talent of doing) and tells you : 'You look different!'. How would you react?

The statement seems so incomplete and you cant even make out the emotion that is attached to it! Most of the time I end up asking myself questions. Lets say someone comes up to me and tells me: 'Hey, You look different!' , my first reaction would be to ask myself what the hell is wrong with me this time! Its like you are on a game show and you have to sort of guess what they mean by the phrase - like have I put on weight?, Do I look stupid?, Do I look High?, Have I finally got that tanned look that I always wanted? Or has my butt finally grown to its adult proportion?! Ok! I'd like to use one of my life lines now!

Well, after being on the receiving end of this horrible comment on numerous occasions, I have realized that its very hard to say what people mean by it! Some people actually know why they think you look different and they say it to you (in most cases its not gonna be something you'd be looking forward to hear) but usually the people who say it have no clue why they said it and so they make up something to complaint about (we're all good at complaining aren't we! ?).

If someone comes up and tells me that this is a method to promote constructive criticism, well then thats the day I am gonna get my hockey stick ready! So if you ever plan on using this useless phrase again make sure that you know what it is that you want to say!

And if you really don't know what to say, then its best that you say nothing at all!

A Dog's World

I am an avid Dog lover and I'm proud about it. I find them to be the most wonderful creatures on the planet. Their attitude towards life is something we can only watch and hope to learn someday. No, I don't mean drinking from the toilet should be a way of life but what I'm trying to get at is the way they live their lives.

Some dogs are lucky to have wonderful owners who adore them and love them and treat them like their own children but then there is the other end of the spectrum - the street dogs. In more human terms, its like the difference between the rich and the poor. But both classes have one thing in common - Loyalty. They are, by far, the most loyal and humble animals on the planet. I have never actually had my own pet dog but I have played around with different kinds of dogs; and the sense of joy that you get from such an experience is mind-blowing! For some strange reason I see dogs as vacuum cleaners that suck out all the stress and sorrow from a person's life.

They say a dog is a man's best friend and its perfectly true. I have known people who (for reasons that continue to puzzle me) talk to walls, lamp posts, chairs and even to flowers. And these are ordinary people who have their sanity intact and irrespective of what these people talk to, they find some sort of comfort from the one-sided conversations that they have. But have you ever had a conversation with a dog? I know it sounds crazy and by talking (to your dog), I don't mean that you ask questions in one voice and answer them on your dog's behalf (in another voice) cause then you'd just be downright stupid and people who catch you in the act might find you to be a really pathetic ventriloquist or just plain crazy!

So instead, just talk to your dog. It could be a question, an anecdote, a personal problem - anything! But once you are done talking and when you see your dog sitting by your side intently listening to you with his/her ears raised, it gives you a moment. I can't exactly define it, but its a feel - good moment. You feel as though you've just had one of the best conversations in your life and in a way it makes you feel significant irrespective of who you are. Even if you feel that you are a total loser; to your dog, you are everything ! To him/her, you are the most important person on the planet.

I know there might be a few of you who will try to prove me wrong by saying that the only reason that you seem important to them is because you feed them. The truth is a dog can survive for a long time with just a meager food supply and water. But what they really need is love. There was a recent research that proved that dogs actually live longer and healthier if their owners just show a little more love towards them.


So you get a loving companion; someone who believes in you more than you do and someone who can actually help see you through all the twists and turns of life. And you get all this just for a couple of meals a day, a big bowl of water and a lot of patting on the (dog's) head.

I don't know about you, but to me, that sounds like the best deal on the planet!

Bow - Wow Power!

Any Good Listeners out there ? ? ?

Once I saw a program on the tele. Two comedians were showing a conversation between two deaf people:

Man 1: Hi! Are you going for a movie?

Man 2: No! I am going for a movie!


Now some of you might find this funny and others might call it poor humor (Like I did). But then I started giving the whole thing a bit of thought. And I found out that its perfectly true! No, I don't mean that this is the only thing that deaf people talk about or all the conversations that deaf people have end up the same way! What I mean is none of us know how listen to other people.

We all know that communication is very important but then we forget that communication has a give and take principle. We're all ready to express our views but are we willing to hear other people out? Aren't we so obsessed about telling our stories but are we interested in hearing what other people have to say? Or do we even listen to others at all?
I doubt it.


Listening is equally important as speaking. We have to keep our minds open and listen to other peoples' views otherwise we aren't going to get too far on the "World Peace" front! Ok, forget the global implications! What about your personal life? I read a research that said the number of Divorce cases in India is at an all-time high and 50% of the cases were due to lack of proper communication (read Listening)!!!

How many of you have friends who stick with you through thick and thin? How many stand by you in times of need? Only a few I guess! We live in a time when people are forever selfish and you cant blame anybody for it! We brought it on ourselves - all this competition, never ending greed, global warming and what not! If you ask me, I'd tell you that the human race is on a never - ending quest towards total annihilation! And No, I am not a pessimist! I just try reading between the lines!

I am not a dreamer either but I am sure of one thing, if we all just LISTEN to each other wholeheartedly, we can learn to love one another and accept one another for what he/she is! And once we achieve that, we can bring an end to all these aimless Wars (both Religious & Political) and with that we can banish hatred as such!

And trust me, if you just keep your ears open, you might just find the best advice of your life and that too from the most unexpected of sources!

We all live for such a short amount of time and would it harm us in anyway to make this wonderful world we live in a better place?

One World, One Religion, One People!

Now for those of you who disagree with whatever I said, I shall leave you with a line from one of John Lennon's most famous rock ballads:

You may say I am a dreamer; But I am not the only one!

The Daily Bus Commuter

Around a month back, I decided to commute to the office via public transport. At first it looked like a wonderful prospect as it would allow me to sleep longer as I wouldn't have to wake up to catch the 8:20 am office bus just to reach the office at 9:20am. And of course, it was a much cheaper way to get to the office!

After a few weeks into the new routine, I started to think twice. I wasnt too sure about my decision anymore. And I hold the following people responsible for this.

1) The Bus Conductor:
I usually address them as the 'big boss' or the 'bad ass' depending upon my mood. These guys are the most interesting characters in my daily ordeal. I come across different types of conductors each day. There are ones who get pissed with you just because you are travelling in their bus. These guys will look for faults in you in every manner possible. Most of the time they pretend to not understand the things you tell them and it just makes you feel like asking them 'Are you understanding the words that are coming out of my mouth!? ' (Courtesy Chris Tucker from Rush Hour 2). If not that, they will blame you for not carrying change with you. And by change they mean paises!!!
Now the other type of Conductor is the one that personifies the word ignorant or indifferent. These guys have no clue of what is happening around them. Some of them have no clue where the buses are heading and if asked about it, they will give you the same puzzled look that a foreigner will give you if you asked him the direction to some remote village in some remote area of India :) (pls note if you want to get a puzzled look from a bus driver, just ask him if he knows what the word 'traffic rules' means!)

2) Female Passengers:
Once you get the ticket (without being shouted at) the next challenge is to get a seat. I get in from a bus terminus and so, usually the last rows will be free. At this point, I would like to point out that women will never sit anywhere close to a man unless he is her husband and so they create a group of their kind and segregate themselves. Now this is an ingenious ploy as it will be difficult for the men to find seats ( although this is very rare, I have seen it happen and survived the ordeal ). So one day while i was travelling to the office, I took my seat in the last row which is usually a male dominated region of the bus. But on this day it wasn't entirely male dominated. Out of the seven seats in the last row, there were three women on my left and three men on my right and i was stuck in the middle but it never bothered me. A few stops later, a woman boarded the bus and headed straight over to where I was sitting. In order to feel comfortable with what was about to happen, I used my favorite 'Ignorance is bliss' technique. This lady stood right in front of me and just kept glaring down at me (although it did take me some time to notice that she was doing so because I was too busy trying to get my technique to work). And then she just ordered me to move. At first I wanted to fight back for my seat but then the gentleman inside me told me that it would be a much better option to give her the seat (especially since I had got my ticket without being shouted at and didnt want to give the conductor a reason to shout at me). From that day on, I knew that whoever said women were never treated fairly had never taken a trip on the buses i usually commute in.

3) Fellow Passengers:
Now these guys are the last challenge you will come across. You are usually forced to face this problem only if you are going to stand throughout the journey. I travel during the peak hours and so the buses get crowded pretty quickly. And there is always a simple rule that applies to all buses when they travel during this time. The number of people travelling on the footboard of the bus is generally equal to one-third of the total number of people seated inside the bus. Please note that this is only theoritically true as I am yet to travel on the footboard of a bus and risk my life in doing so. Usually you will be able to find me squashed between many bodies. And the body odour emanating from these bodies will make secondary smoking seem like a joke (If oxygen masks are readily available then I'd advice you to buy them and keep them in stock). If the body odour doesn't get to you, trust me when I say that the wrath of the various sweat glands will. Its a pretty disgusting affair. And so by the end of the journey you'd feel like taking a shower all over again.


So the next time you decide to travel by a public transport bus, I advice you to go early and get a proper seat. And don't ever expect your trip to be a bon voyage! :)

The "Corporate" Professional

Ever since I joined the software industry (around eight months ago) the only word that I keep hearing from each and every person in the office is the word 'Corporate'. Now, the Oxford dictionary describes Corporate as - of a business corporation, of or shared by all members of a group. Now trust me when I say that when this word is used in the office, it holds no relevance to its actual meaning! Your work is never shared by the group or its members, you are never informed about whats happening around you cause you are considered incompetent when actually the poeple who think so aren't much different either. So what does Corporate mean in the "Real" world of business? Hmmm, well as far as I see it, it just describes a group of people who are extermely jealous, impatient, greedy and last but not the least, obese!

Now, I call them jealous because they can never stand the fact that someone else is doing better than them. And they will never admit someone else is right (unless of course it happens to be their boss or superior).

I call them imapatient because they can never wait for their turn. In a crowded place (for example, in a line to get movie tickets) , a "Corporate" professional will do either of the two things: 1) He will cut you off and stand in front of you. This is a very strategic move if it is implemented when no one else is watching because if that happens, you cant shout at him as you wouldn't have any evidence or witnesses to prove your point. And if you try to prove your claim with no evidence, then people will just call you a trouble maker.
2) He will hold his ground and stand behind in the line and keep shouting expletives (with an amazingly fake American accent) which he would have heard in movies or from his boss. In most cases he would have learned it from the latter (when he/she was shouting at him). But nonetheless, he will keep shouting and try to make himself heard.

I call them greedy (which is pretty obvious) because I know they would do practically anything for money or a raise. On second thought, I've seen them do practically anything for money or a raise! :)

And finally, I call them obese because they are a bunch of lazy people who spend the entire day either on the chair, or on the bean bag and in the most dire situations, on the floor. I would like to point out that in all the three cases, they will be sleeping ( atleast 95% of the time). And hence they are fat and huge (if they are looking for a replacement for Hagrid for the next harry potter flick, then I think I may know a few people who can help).

A day in the life of a "Corporate" professional involves a little bit of travelling (from his den to his office), a bit of work ( which has been unattended to for ages) and lots of eating (esp. Junk food). Sometimes I wonder how the firm makes a profit when a majority (I never said all) of its employees fall under the above mentioned category. It has always puzzled me. Someone (don't ask me who cause I frankly don't remember) once told me that " in a software firm 20%of the work is done by 80% of the people and 80% of the work is done by 20% of the people". I guess this so called law or hypothesis is true and hence I avoid asking further questions or searching for answers.

Another thing I've noticed is that the word "corporate" is a Super set and most of the words that I hear in conversations are a sub set of this word. For example, words like Corporate Responsibility, Corporate behavior, Corporate security, Corporate Strategy so on and so forth. The list doesnt end there. Its just that I cant recall all the words that I've heard in last 8 months.

As far as I see it, this whole Corporate propaganda is just another farcical term to make us feel good about what we are doing when actually we aren't doing a single thing that is worth mentioning. I guess I'll have to do more research on this topic to actually figure out if it holds any particular relevance to its actual meaning.




A note to all readers:

I know you would have noticed that in my examples I have used a male as the protagonist and not a female. This does not mean that I am a male chauvinist. It just means that I was able to observe only this particular group in each corresponding situation.

And to those few who fall under the category of 'hard working' professionals, then you may consider yourselves exempted from the group of people I have mentioned above.

Thank you.